Twas the night before the night before Christmas

God is Good!
Most of the posts from prior years were sad and painful reflections of what was going on in life for me at the time.
I have made it through tough times, still going through difficult times but it's all good.

A few meaningful pictures from this year.

 Grandchild, being a Grandma to someone is indescribable.

 I loved seeing a part of the world that I had never seen before.  Ireland.

 Edinburgh, Scotland

 Engagement surprise

 Wedding #1 of this year.

Wedding #2 of the year.

more about the journey

For Those Tears I Died

Lyrics: Marsha Stevens

You said you’d come and share all my sorrows

You said you’d be there for all my tomorrows

I came so close to sending you away

And just like you promised, you came there to stay

I just had to pray.

(Chorus)

And Jesus said, Come to the water, stand by my side,

I know you are thirsty, you won’t be denied.

I felt every teardrop when in darkness you cried,

And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died.

Repeat Chorus

Your goodness so great I can’t understand,

And, dear Lord, I know that this was all planned.

Saviour, you’re here now, and always will be.

Your love is so great and always so free, Jesus and me.

Repeat Chorus

Jesus, I give you my heart and my soul.

I know, without God I’d never be whole,

Saviour, you opened up all the right doors,

And I thank you and praise you from earth’s humble shores.

Take me, I’m yours.

this is my area where I vent, be sad, I am going to be writing here more often, everyday if I can do it.  today i came in to work at 7 am.  i am physically very tired, mentally tired, emotionally spent and who is playing on the radio but Mandisa  "overcomer" is the song.  it is hard to remember when I don't feel like an overcomer.
i am a failure. i learned this weekend one of my children was molested as a child and they felt they couldn't tell me.   what made them feel this way?  why am i not coming across as loving, caring?

birthday reflections

Well my 50th birthday came and went without a party or even a cake. 
but the kids and my mom sent gifts...

• Lexie sent a Cracker Barrel rocking chair which I really like.
• Molly painted me a picture with scripture which I really like
• John gave me a gift card for a massage which I really liked!
• Zach sent me a gift card for rose bushes which I really like and can't wait to see bloom.
• My mom gave me a Kindle Fire HD which I really like.

I was hoping someone was going to give me a surprise party.  Guess I learned that no one cares THAT much.  

Inspiration room

http://buttonbirddesigns.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/creative-space-30.jpg

this is close to what I want my room to look like

Not sure I am cut out for this empty nest thing.  The kids are leaving because they don't like being at home or spending time with us.  I try to think of things that we can do together but everything gets shot down if it is not entertaining.  I can't compete with households that have access to lake houses, rivers, beaches.  I guess I did not create a home.  Failure in the most important job I have ever done.  Nothing else matters. 

Birthday post

Nothing like a birthday to make you think.
I had to go to work today so I did not have much time to think until just now.
-my emails ranged from the generic Happy Birthday from a member of my management that doesn't know me from Adam/Eve to Zach and Lexie wishing me a Happy day.

The back of a calendar had a quote from Albert Einstein
"God does not play dice with the universe"

One Week

One week ago today the pain from Noelle's death was raw and stinging.  It was difficult to watch the kids attempt to process what was happening.  They would cry one minute and then laugh the next about some humorous memory of her.  Molly said she wanted to scream "stop"! at the world because she saw how even death doesn't stop life.  I know how she feels because I feel the same way when I experience a death of someone close or even not so close but I know they are a person I know of. 
I always wondered why people gather after a funeral and eat and sit and eat more and sit and talk or reminise about the person no longer there.  Now I know, you have to, something compells us to linger and talk or linger and remember.  Grief is tiring and burdensome, you need to share the burden especially in the very beginning.  I understand that burden doesn't disappear with the body in the ground after a few days but lingers and those of us who can need to help the ones with the burdens because it can become lighter if it is shared.  How can I share the burden...

Pain

Siegel senior killed in wreck
Waking to this news, the phone call you watch your daughter make, knowing that her world will change forever in an instant when she hears her friend say their friend died from a car wreck.  Knowing a mother within very close proximity to you is struggling to know how to draw her next breath because the pain is so great from the giant gaping hole in her where the soul of her child once lived and breathed but is now gone, ripped from her in a mind numbing tragedy.  My own mind can't focus, it jumps from wanting to do something, something to soothe the hurting of others and my own pain, to wanting to grab my own child and hold her tight, to try to shield her from the hurt and pain, it jumps to thinking about what would I do if it was me and then quickly shutting that thought out.  Inside I am writhing, feeling twisted, sucker punched by this death demon.  Angry he came here again.  We just dealt with his last visit a few months ago, in less than 2 years he took Halley, Jeff, Robert, Mark, daddy and a host of others that I don't know.  He needs to go to a place of no return.  Praise God that he will one day.  

Sadness

For the past few mornings I have gotten to work and all I can think about is that I won't have anymore kids in Siegel High after this year. I think about Phatty and John not being there anymore, no football games to go to...things like that just race thru my head and the tears just come. I am not going to be on this earth too much longer, I have less time on earth left than I have been here. I just feel so immensely sad. I can't believe my Dad is gone, AJ is gone. Just a few weeks ago they were alive. I know I should be glad neither one is hurting anymore but it just seems as if they were this blip in timeline and everything has moved on. I feel so stupid sitting here crying about them. Crying about feeling sad. I miss Papa and Memaw, grandma watson, next will be my mom. I am not sure why I am even crying other than I just feel so sad. I miss HS football and regret that I didn't get more involved. Swirling thoughts and emotions are not good but I have them.

Just playing around

Thought I would get on here and add some new color or something different just to try to learn this stuff for fun. I love the daisys all bright and colorful. Hate to see my 48th summer go by with such haste. Not much fun this summer but learned alot about depending on God. He has been there in some pretty tough spots and some times when I wasn't sure what to do next.
Grandpa and Grandma de la Haye gave us a blessing of a family verse that paraphased goes like this--"step by step I will open up the way for thee."
I have lived that this summer.

Death of a Father

One week ago today I was at my brother's house in Florida. We were actually square dancing in his carport. This was the party after the memorial service for my Dad. Daddy died on August 16, 2011 at about 7 AM.
He was 71 years old. It is so hard for me to remember Daddy as he was most of his life, strong and confident. He battled Parkinson Disease for over 12 years. He had it for much longer than that. This disease stole so much from my family, from me. I hate it. I couldn't even cry for him because I had already cried so much over the last 18 months. To watch him go from a proud man who stood strong, hugged hard and lived well to a man in a body that failed him, a human with a mind that was playing tricks on him and in the end he was so child-like that he had to have even the most basic of needs taken care of by another person.
On the last night I was there I slipped into his bedroom knelt by his bed and rubbed his head as he slept, my tears dripped on his hand and arm as I prayed for him to sleep peacefully. I recall how his hair felt, he had just had a fresh buzz done a few days earlier. I kissed his forehead and whispered "I love you" and "see you later". I never did.
Things got in the way of me making my way back to see him. This will be another one of my many regrets in life.
We attempted to honor him in the memorial service but it felt really hollow because he couldn't hear the nice things being said. Made me mad to see people that hadn't seen Dad or attempted to speak to him in years came to celebrate his death. Why didn't you come and see him when he was living??? Why did you wait? Why did I wait?
On the other hand I was glad to see people that I had not seen in years but why do we wait till a death or a wedding to see and contact people that we like.
I have decided life is too short to wait anymore. I want to talk to, write to, go see people that I love and care about. I want to do this often.

Goober Tuesday

I have learned that I can sit down and eat an entire box of "Goobers" in one sitting. To avoid calorie overload I have limited myself to only one day and one box. So, each Tuesday I celebrate "Goober Tuesday".
I like Goober Tuesdays because it means I survived Monday which is a really crazy day here at work and because it means I can have some chocolate.

Molly should be in Africa by now and maybe even off the plane!

Not Fair

Today would have been a good day to curl up and watch a movie with my
sweetheart. The only problem is he is up in the bed hurting so bad that he can't even come downstairs. It is not fair and I am really sad about it.
There are other complications that come with battling chronic pain including the medications that he has been taking that are addicting. It is like an alcoholic being told that in order to live a semi normal life they have to drink Jack Daniels in amounts that make you drunk.
I don't know what else to say except it is lonely and I am lonely.

Mother's day 2011

Mother's Day, started quiet, had a blessed day at church, the youth were in charge of the service. Molly fixed a nice lunch with a new receipe. I think it is a keeper. John came and ate with us. Lexie called, Zach texted and then called later after work.
I learned today that white kidney beans are called canellini beans.

Thank you Friday

This is the first Friday in a very long time that just couldn't get here soon enough.
Work is really yukky. I have always loved going into work, lately not so much.
I get home and don't want to talk to people, don't want to get on the computer, and especially don't want to talk on the phone. But...I have a job so thank you friday but I am thankful to have a job to gripe about.
I need a new book to read, looks like I'll have to go to the library, read all the Left Behind books-they were ok.
I really want some historical fiction set around early civil war.
sleep is coming l................

Do you really mourne if you are only a fringe person?

The last few days have been some of the saddest in my life. The young man I knew as Robert Moss died. He took his own life. He was such a sweet guy.
I know his parents. The pain is so intense. Sitting in the funeral I still kept thinking that I was going to wake up and find it was dream. I shouldn't have to attend a funeral of a 20 year old. He sat in my house, held hands with my daughter, they even kissed...I saw him at church with his scruffy beard, golden hair and big smile. I even saw a glimpse of him drumming, he loved to drum out a beat, drove many people crazy. It takes you off guard to celebrate a life that short and have to try to accept it. I want to say NO!!!, I want to shout at the world HOW CAN YOU keep on moving, working, eating, driving, going to movies!!! Someone special died-they no longer breathe on this earth. I have felt that way about my father in law, about my grandparents, about Beth, about Travis.

I was a fringe person for Robert not in his inner circle of life but there none the less. I miss him and mourne for him and for his parents and the others that he was important to. I kinda feel that maybe because I was only a part of the finge that I am overreacting but I know how I feel and it hurts.

Inspiration

This blog is inspired by all of my wonderful children. They had journals and blogs online and in blank books. I actually have kept somewhat of a journal on and off since high school.

Not many people will care what i have to say but I like the idea of maybe being able to look back over time and reflections.

I really have enjoyed my oldest daughters blog over the last few years. I think she was hoping to keep it a secret or at least that is what my youngest told me. She let the cat out of the bag and now I have had the great pleasure of reading some of her thoughts but mostly getting to see photos of her on at least a weekly basis. Her blog is http://copperoranges.blogspot.com/.

I am old enough to remember the TV show Doogie Howser MD. I was always fascinated that at the end of the show he would wind up the day typing something that summed up his day in a sentence. I am not that succinct. It would take more than one line to sum up most of my days.

first draft

It is glorious to celebrate your childrens birthday. Having cake and ice cream and having small gift to open is the best. Especially if you're 16.

Being sick on your birthday should give you an automatic do over sometime in the next month.

But it often doesn't. Living away from home is also a bummer.