One week ago today the pain from Noelle's death was raw and stinging. It was difficult to watch the kids attempt to process what was happening. They would cry one minute and then laugh the next about some humorous memory of her. Molly said she wanted to scream "stop"! at the world because she saw how even death doesn't stop life. I know how she feels because I feel the same way when I experience a death of someone close or even not so close but I know they are a person I know of.
I always wondered why people gather after a funeral and eat and sit and eat more and sit and talk or reminise about the person no longer there. Now I know, you have to, something compells us to linger and talk or linger and remember. Grief is tiring and burdensome, you need to share the burden especially in the very beginning. I understand that burden doesn't disappear with the body in the ground after a few days but lingers and those of us who can need to help the ones with the burdens because it can become lighter if it is shared. How can I share the burden...
Friday, November 4, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Pain
Siegel senior killed in wreck
Waking to this news, the phone call you watch your daughter make, knowing that her world will change forever in an instant when she hears her friend say their friend died from a car wreck. Knowing a mother within very close proximity to you is struggling to know how to draw her next breath because the pain is so great from the giant gaping hole in her where the soul of her child once lived and breathed but is now gone, ripped from her in a mind numbing tragedy. My own mind can't focus, it jumps from wanting to do something, something to soothe the hurting of others and my own pain, to wanting to grab my own child and hold her tight, to try to shield her from the hurt and pain, it jumps to thinking about what would I do if it was me and then quickly shutting that thought out. Inside I am writhing, feeling twisted, sucker punched by this death demon. Angry he came here again. We just dealt with his last visit a few months ago, in less than 2 years he took Halley, Jeff, Robert, Mark, daddy and a host of others that I don't know. He needs to go to a place of no return. Praise God that he will one day.
Waking to this news, the phone call you watch your daughter make, knowing that her world will change forever in an instant when she hears her friend say their friend died from a car wreck. Knowing a mother within very close proximity to you is struggling to know how to draw her next breath because the pain is so great from the giant gaping hole in her where the soul of her child once lived and breathed but is now gone, ripped from her in a mind numbing tragedy. My own mind can't focus, it jumps from wanting to do something, something to soothe the hurting of others and my own pain, to wanting to grab my own child and hold her tight, to try to shield her from the hurt and pain, it jumps to thinking about what would I do if it was me and then quickly shutting that thought out. Inside I am writhing, feeling twisted, sucker punched by this death demon. Angry he came here again. We just dealt with his last visit a few months ago, in less than 2 years he took Halley, Jeff, Robert, Mark, daddy and a host of others that I don't know. He needs to go to a place of no return. Praise God that he will one day.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sadness
For the past few mornings I have gotten to work and all I can think about is that I won't have anymore kids in Siegel High after this year. I think about Phatty and John not being there anymore, no football games to go to...things like that just race thru my head and the tears just come. I am not going to be on this earth too much longer, I have less time on earth left than I have been here. I just feel so immensely sad. I can't believe my Dad is gone, AJ is gone. Just a few weeks ago they were alive. I know I should be glad neither one is hurting anymore but it just seems as if they were this blip in timeline and everything has moved on. I feel so stupid sitting here crying about them. Crying about feeling sad. I miss Papa and Memaw, grandma watson, next will be my mom. I am not sure why I am even crying other than I just feel so sad. I miss HS football and regret that I didn't get more involved. Swirling thoughts and emotions are not good but I have them.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Just playing around
Thought I would get on here and add some new color or something different just to try to learn this stuff for fun. I love the daisys all bright and colorful. Hate to see my 48th summer go by with such haste. Not much fun this summer but learned alot about depending on God. He has been there in some pretty tough spots and some times when I wasn't sure what to do next.
Grandpa and Grandma de la Haye gave us a blessing of a family verse that paraphased goes like this--"step by step I will open up the way for thee."
I have lived that this summer.
Grandpa and Grandma de la Haye gave us a blessing of a family verse that paraphased goes like this--"step by step I will open up the way for thee."
I have lived that this summer.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Death of a Father
One week ago today I was at my brother's house in Florida. We were actually square dancing in his carport. This was the party after the memorial service for my Dad. Daddy died on August 16, 2011 at about 7 AM.
He was 71 years old. It is so hard for me to remember Daddy as he was most of his life, strong and confident. He battled Parkinson Disease for over 12 years. He had it for much longer than that. This disease stole so much from my family, from me. I hate it. I couldn't even cry for him because I had already cried so much over the last 18 months. To watch him go from a proud man who stood strong, hugged hard and lived well to a man in a body that failed him, a human with a mind that was playing tricks on him and in the end he was so child-like that he had to have even the most basic of needs taken care of by another person.
On the last night I was there I slipped into his bedroom knelt by his bed and rubbed his head as he slept, my tears dripped on his hand and arm as I prayed for him to sleep peacefully. I recall how his hair felt, he had just had a fresh buzz done a few days earlier. I kissed his forehead and whispered "I love you" and "see you later". I never did.
Things got in the way of me making my way back to see him. This will be another one of my many regrets in life.
We attempted to honor him in the memorial service but it felt really hollow because he couldn't hear the nice things being said. Made me mad to see people that hadn't seen Dad or attempted to speak to him in years came to celebrate his death. Why didn't you come and see him when he was living??? Why did you wait? Why did I wait?
On the other hand I was glad to see people that I had not seen in years but why do we wait till a death or a wedding to see and contact people that we like.
I have decided life is too short to wait anymore. I want to talk to, write to, go see people that I love and care about. I want to do this often.
He was 71 years old. It is so hard for me to remember Daddy as he was most of his life, strong and confident. He battled Parkinson Disease for over 12 years. He had it for much longer than that. This disease stole so much from my family, from me. I hate it. I couldn't even cry for him because I had already cried so much over the last 18 months. To watch him go from a proud man who stood strong, hugged hard and lived well to a man in a body that failed him, a human with a mind that was playing tricks on him and in the end he was so child-like that he had to have even the most basic of needs taken care of by another person.
On the last night I was there I slipped into his bedroom knelt by his bed and rubbed his head as he slept, my tears dripped on his hand and arm as I prayed for him to sleep peacefully. I recall how his hair felt, he had just had a fresh buzz done a few days earlier. I kissed his forehead and whispered "I love you" and "see you later". I never did.
Things got in the way of me making my way back to see him. This will be another one of my many regrets in life.
We attempted to honor him in the memorial service but it felt really hollow because he couldn't hear the nice things being said. Made me mad to see people that hadn't seen Dad or attempted to speak to him in years came to celebrate his death. Why didn't you come and see him when he was living??? Why did you wait? Why did I wait?
On the other hand I was glad to see people that I had not seen in years but why do we wait till a death or a wedding to see and contact people that we like.
I have decided life is too short to wait anymore. I want to talk to, write to, go see people that I love and care about. I want to do this often.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Goober Tuesday
I have learned that I can sit down and eat an entire box of "Goobers" in one sitting. To avoid calorie overload I have limited myself to only one day and one box. So, each Tuesday I celebrate "Goober Tuesday".
I like Goober Tuesdays because it means I survived Monday which is a really crazy day here at work and because it means I can have some chocolate.
Molly should be in Africa by now and maybe even off the plane!
I like Goober Tuesdays because it means I survived Monday which is a really crazy day here at work and because it means I can have some chocolate.
Molly should be in Africa by now and maybe even off the plane!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Not Fair
Today would have been a good day to curl up and watch a movie with my
sweetheart. The only problem is he is up in the bed hurting so bad that he can't even come downstairs. It is not fair and I am really sad about it.
There are other complications that come with battling chronic pain including the medications that he has been taking that are addicting. It is like an alcoholic being told that in order to live a semi normal life they have to drink Jack Daniels in amounts that make you drunk.
I don't know what else to say except it is lonely and I am lonely.
sweetheart. The only problem is he is up in the bed hurting so bad that he can't even come downstairs. It is not fair and I am really sad about it.
There are other complications that come with battling chronic pain including the medications that he has been taking that are addicting. It is like an alcoholic being told that in order to live a semi normal life they have to drink Jack Daniels in amounts that make you drunk.
I don't know what else to say except it is lonely and I am lonely.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's day 2011
Mother's Day, started quiet, had a blessed day at church, the youth were in charge of the service. Molly fixed a nice lunch with a new receipe. I think it is a keeper. John came and ate with us. Lexie called, Zach texted and then called later after work.
I learned today that white kidney beans are called canellini beans.
I learned today that white kidney beans are called canellini beans.
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